• Her house is cleaner…
• She runs more and does core exercises every day…
• She doesn’t let the dust build up in her house…
• She does more crafts with her kids…
• She is doing more science with her homeschooling…
• Her kids have memorized more scripture…
• She makes time to develop herself and reads more…
• She actually practices her instrument regularly…
• Her floors are spotless—she must mop more…
• She feeds her family less processed foods…
• Her 5 year old is a better reader than mine…
• She is more organized in how her kids do chores…
• She is mentoring more girls than I am…
• She is more accomplished in her career…

These are the kinds of thoughts I have from time to time. Notice the wide range of comparison. Notice that no human being could actually be good at all of those things, yet I am dissatisfied with myself for any number of them at any particular time. Granted, this is thankfully not my actual state of mind most of the time, because I know and love my Heavenly Father, who made me and gave me gifts and calls me his child. I love being part of a family (the family of God), with a father whose acceptance of me is not based on my performance or measuring up, but rather on His sacrifice and His free gift of mercy and grace.

I once heard that when we compare, it is usually comparing our weaknesses to someone else’s strengths. I have noticed that when I, and other people I know, focus on comparing, it robs us of finding joy in serving with our strengths, and prevents us from forming authentic relationships and close bonds with people. In fact, I have found that relationships immediately gain depth and closeness when I authentically share my struggles, embrace others in their weaknesses, and take opportunities to encourage and appreciate others when I notice their strengths, rather than turn it into a self-focused moment where I am missing out both on encouraging them and on giving God glory for the different gifts He gives different people. Comparison is incredibly selfish and prideful. Comparison is isolating and lonely.

I recently read a book called Simply Tuesday, by Emily P. Freeman, where she encourages us to embrace “smallness” and the “ordinary” in our lives as amazing things to be noticed and enjoyed.

God’s Word also encourages us to live simply, focused on Jesus, and on loving and serving one another. I love the reminder in Galatians 5:13, “For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.” If we trust in God instead of ourselves for our goodness, our forgiveness, our righteousness—then we have no need to compare. We have no need to try to prove ourselves. Instead, we are free from the trap of pride and comparison and guilt—we are free to love and serve from a place of joy and with a desire to bless.

That is indeed good news! I am so thankful to God for the family and the opportunities he has blessed me with, and I pray each day that, instead of falling into destructive habits that hinder joyful service and obstruct healthy relationships, God will give me strength to walk in these truths, knowing that because of the power of the Gospel, my identity is in Him.

I just said good-bye to another of my foster kids a few days ago. Thankfully, I am happy about where this precious little baby went, and am even hopeful that I will get to hear how he is doing in the future. That is not always the case. Yet, there is still a loss—I loved deeply; I gave of myself, my time, my energy, my sleep, my reserves to nurture and nourish the precious little life; I noticed the beautiful intricacies of this child, and I loved them; I listened for his breathing at night. I cuddled and sang and prayed over him.  So there is loss.

But is loss really all bad? When people ask me how do I do it…how do I let go of these foster kids?  Maybe the answer is “because I am called to.” I need to walk the road God has laid out before me.  How did I walk down this path? One step at a time.  So what exactly is it I am called to?  I am called to love.  And not just to the point I am comfortable with, but beyond it.  Why?  Because that is what Christ did for me, and because His love is better than life…  I am one of the many needy, broken people that he was willing to endure deep loss for, so that I might have relationship with him, the giver of life.

Jesus said “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends” (Jn 15:13). Paul says of love that it “Bears all things…endures all things” (I Cor 13:7). Those words carry with them the concept that love means moving into and through hard things, not avoiding them or spending my energy trying not to be stretched too much in my relationships. Yet, why should I embrace this kind of love that sounds exhausting and (let’s face it) rather costly? Because it is worth the cost.

I have found such beauty in the midst of loss. I have cried with college students that have come from such profound loss that I cannot fathom it. Some of the most beautiful women I know (both inside and out) have been through so much hurt—and they have shown me God the comforter as I have clung to Him with them, in ways I could not have know Him on my own.  It is in those very moments of entering into that loss with them that I have also felt closest to those women and I believe they have felt my love most sincerely. By engaging on that level, I show them that I am not afraid to enter the hard places, even though it hurts. When I do this, it deepens me and it widens my heart; it is like deep waters in my soul that I didn’t know were there.

We have so much more capacity for love than we realize.

But it is even more than capacity for love—when we choose sacrifice and risk loss, it opens a deeper connection to Jesus, including closeness to him and comfort from him.  When we mourn and walk in brokenness, he is close to us.  Matthew 5:4 says “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” And Psalm 34:18 reveals that “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” What amazing promises!

Isaiah 61:1-3 has also taken on new meaning when I have chosen to engage in the hard places. Notably, in Luke 4, Jesus applies the first part of the Isaiah passage to himself as the Messiah, so this is not just speaking of the prophet Isaiah….  In fact, if we call ourselves Jesus’ followers, then we should be imitating him in these things as well (proclaiming the good news; binding up the brokenhearted). Notice that this involves both speaking about good news AND acting with compassion, so we must not ignore either word or deed.  Then verse three draws some contrasts to show us what God provides:

“…to comfort all who mourn, to grant to those who mourn in Zion— to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified.”

A brief observation: In life, I have noticed that how I value and understand certain statements changes based upon my perspective and experiences.  For example, years ago I would have said “what beautiful poetry” and “how awesome that God gives us such goodness,” letting it remain abstract and vague.  Now, however, when I hear “a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,” I think of more concrete images. I think of a beautiful smile of trust in a child’s face whose trust had been crushed and broken by those he had tried to trust before in his life. I think of the hope of unconditional acceptance in the face of a young woman who never knew sacrificial love before meeting Christ and experiencing a healthy family’s care. When I hear “the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit,” I think of a young woman who used to be afraid to speak up about anything, but who is now praising God as her refuge and strength, and encouraging other women who are struggling.

I give God praise and glory so much more when I actually see the power of his transforming work in real people’s lives.  My perspective on the power of those words and my awe at the true giver of comfort and life have drastically deepened—all because I chose to take little steps towards potential pain and loss instead of away from it.

And guess what?  In the process, I have seen my own sinfulness and brokenness more profoundly too. This has been an added blessing for me because it means I have started to allow God to tear down my pride and have learned to receive his mercy and grace in my own broken places more readily.

So what are we called to? I may ruffle some feathers here, but I believe many of us are called to risk loss and to willingly move towards brokenness in others (and even in ourselves) more often than we want to admit. It is hard; it can be uncomfortable.  But it is worth it.

I am not saying everyone is called to foster care—I have been, and I praise God for the path He has me on.  There are many other ways to engage as well, and I have many amazing friends that are involved in all variety of these—e.g., mentoring youth, counselling the emotionally hurting, pursuing racial reconciliation, caring for the homeless, helping victims of domestic violence, fighting injustice on behalf of victims of trafficking, etc.  Whatever the engagement might be, I believe we are all called to draw near to the brokenhearted.

Any student of Christ can see exemplified in his life a deep love and compassion for the brokenhearted.  He said that he came to serve (Mk 10:45). He also had compassion on the crowds and on the sick and needy (Mt 9:35-36).  And he said that those who wish to follow him must be willing to set aside everything else to follow him and do his work (Lk 14:33) (keep in mind, of course, that this is not a condition to receive his love, but a reaction to experiencing it and being in his presence).  That is a hard call—to value nothing over him; to be willing to follow him anywhere; to hold everything else loosely, with an open hand. Really?  Yes, really—even if our neighbors, colleagues, family members, financial advisors, or friends are telling us we should hold on tight to that one thing (insert particular bit of wisdom that, while not bad, can become a problem if it drowns out God’s call)…

The only thing…the true one thing that matters…that I need to keep my eyes fixed upon and turn to as the source of life and peace…is Jesus.

We have many idols in our culture, but comfort is an incredibly dangerous one.  Overly valuing comfort is loving the world, which those of us who claim to follow Christ are warned against (1 Jn 2:15). When we let fear of losing our safety and comfort and control over our lives creep in and dominate our emotions and choices, we miss out on God’s call in our lives; we miss out on amazing depth in relationships; we miss out on so much joy. It is idolatry…

I still have to struggle against this myself—I am exhorting myself as much as anyone.  I have way more clothes and things than I need, and yet I often want more.  I often want to protect my kids from relational and physical pain (even though I know I can’t totally do so), but often they learn the most by walking through it.  I have fears that come up about how complicated getting involved in “messiness” makes life, and sometimes I wish I could just focus on myself instead of everyone else all the time—but deep down I know that self-focus never leads to contentment.  So what do I do?  I am still learning. But I think I first have to notice my tendencies to get my values mixed up. Then I have to make the consistent CHOICE to take little steps to continue to pursue what God has called me to, and to not let the desire for my and my family’s “comfort” get in the way of that.

I pray that God would continue to give me strength for each step. And I continue to trust that he has good for us (in his presence there is fullness of joy), both in this life and in the life to come. For the moment, we will trust God, serve where we are, and wait for our next foster placement.

“The Lord is my strength and my shield; In him my heart trusts, and I am helped; My heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.” Psalm 28:7

We look ahead with hope, and we treasure the past—loss and all—for how it has shaped us and shown us the true meaning of love.

As a staff person with Cru, we do go to our share of conferences. But one of my favorites is the annual Winter Conference for our region, which includes California, Arizona and Hawaii. It has been in San Diego right after Christmas for the past 20 years, but this year it changed its title, location and time.  “Radiate” happened on MLK weekend in mid-January, and was a great conference.  I will freely admit that my ability to fully “experience” conferences is limited, since being there with kids means I don’t stay up ‘til 1am and don’t end up attending every session, but there were a number of things that I really enjoyed about our time there, and I am so thankful that the 50 or so students from UC Davis that went seemed to love it and were blessed and challenged by the conference in some powerful ways.

First, Jeremiah’s role at the conference was to run the bookstore/resource center. He selected and ordered books and ministry resources to have available for students and fellow staff to buy, and tried to figure out when to be open in the midst of a very full conference schedule.   I enjoyed helping him with it a bit, since we both have a passion to help students get wisdom and to grow in their walk with God. This is not surprising since we both continue to long for more of God’s wisdom and continuing growth in our own lives as well, and solid books, alongside God’s Word, have played a big part in helping us move towards that. It was fun picking out books in December to order and then talking to students who came to brows the bookstore about what books might be just right for them where they are at in their walk with God. I always walk away wanting to read more and even wanting to re-read many great books that I have been blessed by.

Second, I loved watching students hearing God speak to them through the speakers, music, testimonies, and seminars. One of my favorite thoughts from a main session (our main speakers were JP and Donna Jones) was that “Following Jesus means we make knowing Him our life goal and pursuit.”  It is a process, a pursuit, and a real relationship, and it does take a lifetime to really get to know him. It also means that we know the value of knowing Him and that it will change our decisions and our path—we do things with intentionality, on purpose, to move towards Him and living for Him, because we believe and know that true satisfaction is found there. A small picture of this on a human level is when we change our life trajectory or even just temporary plans to be near someone we want to marry. Jeremiah changed job locations and moved to South Dakota where I had a job after law school so that we could be together; I decided to join staff instead of pursuing government jobs so that we could serve in ministry together. Now we both look back and see how those decisions were motivated by relationship and that God used them in our lives to teach us and change us in many ways. How much more is that magnified when it is the God of the Universe we are getting to know and are making decisions to glorify. It is definitely worth following Him with all of who we are.

Yet all of these great sources for input at conferences produce life-change best when experienced in the context of a safe community, and it is fun to see some of the Davis students starting to be that for each other. I was able to talk with one of our students who at first felt a bit isolated at the conference, but then was able to bless and encourage several other students, realizing that she wasn’t alone and that authentic relationships grow when we are vulnerable and don’t try to perform.

Third, a fun side-benefit of these conferences is building relationships on the staff side, and not just for Jeremiah and myself. We both enjoy connecting with our fellow Campus staff (working side by side with them to run the conference and fitting in some encouraging conversations along the way), but it is also fun to see the kids building relationships with the other staff kids; they come to the conferences excited to see and play with their friends there, and enjoy the times in childcare during some of the sessions. They also get to play with fellow staff kids during the couple hours of free time in the afternoon.
This year, many staff families headed down to the pool at the same time and there were 18 staff kids in the hot tub at the same time! Don’t worry, they were not disrupting any other hotel guests, as the only adult in the hot tub at the time was one of the staff dads.

Interestingly, the day before, we had also squeezed in a quick trip to the pool before dinner, and had the chance to talk with the main speaker for the conference, who we interrupted reading on his kindle in the hot tub. We enjoyed talking with him about ministry and life, and then the other woman sitting nearby volunteered a thought, joining the conversation. She and her husband and daughter were hotel guests on vacation, but it was fun to cross paths with her at the pool, because we not only got to hear about her spiritual background, but she was very interested in hearing from Jeremiah and J.P. about what Jesus’ life on earth accomplished and why his death and resurrection are such good news for us. The next day, she saw Jeremiah again, said hello, and thanked him for the Bible he had given her from the conference bookstore. We praise God for the ways he works and the opportunities he gives us to join in!

On the relational side, we also had the joy of seeing a graduate of NAU who we had worked with there—she came down for part of a day, hung out with us and played with the kids.  It is so great to be able to see how God is continuing to work in and through her as she trusts Him with her plans. Then, after returning home, we had another former NAU student come and stay with us in Davis for a couple days. I was so encouraged by both of these lovely women that are very dear to me, and I am thankful to still be able to spend time with them and to pray for them.

Fourth, Isaiah had a unique opportunity this year to participate in a dramatic performance at another conference close by for another ministry of Cru (Epic Movement). The Bema Seat is a powerful play put on by one main actor with a number of volunteers. It presents a Christian man’s experience at the second coming of Jesus, how he meets Jesus and experiences complete acceptance, love and forgivness, but also reflects back on his life and what were the things that mattered and brought the greatest joy in an eternal sense. Isaiah was part of a vision from the man’s past, a picture of the main character as a boy. It was a fun experience for Isaiah, he did a great job, and was able to be part of something that touched many people’s lives. I think it caused him to think about the choices we all make on a daily basis and how they matter in eternity as well.

While he was at rehearsal, I had some special time with Bethany and Judah at the Mall nearby, and we tried some cotton candy for the first time in years…

Finally, the whole process of getting to and from the conference allowed us to see God provide for us in our travels in amazing ways. We don’t want to let it slip by without giving Him the glory for protecting and providing for us! The drive down was rather disconcerting for the 7 of us in the van (our family, a fellow staff woman, and a volunteer), since every time we went over 60mph, the van started rattling and shaking, then locking all of our seatbelts so that we could barely move.  We figured it was just a tire out of balance after stopping and examining things.  But it got us there, and worked well enough to drive us around as needed. On the way home, we decided to go up 99 instead of Highway 5, and it was a good thing.  As we pulled off the freeway for dinner, one of the back tires went flat.  We rolled right into the Costco parking lot, took it right up to the tire service, and went in to have some dinner.  How amazing is that! God is so good, because anywhere else would have entailed changing a tire on the side of the freeway in the dark. We got back into the van after that, and all breathed a sigh of relief (and praised God for His provision) as it did not rattle or lock us in our seats anymore.  We arrived safely at home a couple hours later.

Then the next morning, Jeremiah drove the kids to school. When he got back in the van, it wouldn’t start. We ended up having to tow it to a mechanic, who said the starter was bad. We were able to fix it and get the van up and running in a couple days. We praise God for the timing of this as well, however—the van didn’t break down until we were back in Davis, walking distance from home, and with a trustworthy mechanic nearby.  Praise Him! I am often amazed at how the Lord provides and cares for us.

“Oh gracious how the child has grown”

“It seems only yesterday we brought her here, just a tiny baby…”

This funny little exchange between two of the good fairies in Disney’s Sleeping Beauty rings true for most of us parents, even if we don’t relate to much else about the fairies’ childrearing experience, such as the fact that in 16 years they never learned to bake a cake. But never mind that.  Jeremiah and I certainly do feel like our kids are growing fast. I can’t believe that our birth kids are 9, 7 and 5 years old! Engaging with them is so fun at these ages, and they have so many amazing thoughts and ideas. Yet I also feel nostalgia for the stages we have left behind.

Anyway, I thought I would give a little family update, since it is the end of the year when the newsy Christmas cards come out. Speaking of Christmas cards, this year I am actually going to hang them up on ribbons with clothespins (the only pinterest-ish thing I will be doing, by the way) in our hallway, so if you send us a picture, we will put it up.

Those who know us know that we have been involved in Foster care for a couple years now. It has been a little weird this fall not having any foster kids in our home. The reason for that is that, while we LOVE being a foster family (having those precious kids as part of our family for however long they need us and getting to know their families), we are now pursuing a more permanent foster placement by working with an agency that matches waiting kids with forever families. We have been going through that additional licensing process this Fall.  Because we have been deeply affected by our fostering experiences in positive ways, we plan to stay engaged with the foster care system long term—this is just another step in our continuing journey.

And now, to describe our 3 imaginative and joy-filled adventurers …

Isaiah (9) is my inquisitive book worm.  He continues to read way more than I can possibly keep up with. He consumes books—there is no other way of explaining it. He loves learning about new things and has questions to prove it. He doesn’t want to miss out on any conversation, especially with adults. It has been fun homeschooling him for 4^th grade so far, watching him enjoy the process of learning at his own pace (and having more time to read), while re-learning some fun things I forgot long ago.  He is also making progress learning piano, enjoyed playing soccer this fall, loves running club, and ranks Legos and fuse-beads as his favorite creative outlets.

Bethany (7) is my empathetic artist.  She also loves to learn and enjoys going to our neighborhood school both socially and academically. I love hearing about all that she is learning, including the many biographies her teacher is reading the class. I also love that she always has a list of friends she wants playdates with. She continues to enjoy ballet, all things artistic, reading, and creating imaginary worlds with her brothers. She misses her foster siblings and is looking forward to meeting a future little sister (often praying for her, wherever she is).

Judah (5) is my social sportsman. He started kindergarten this year and seems to be friends with everyone in his class. He says his favorite time at school is recess, but I can tell he is also enjoying the learning and creative projects too. He loves to be outside playing with the neighborhood kids, and excelled at soccer this fall.  I’m so glad, however, that he still likes to cuddle and read books together, which we often do when he isn’t busy playing with a ball, imagining he is a knight/pirate/monkey/etc.,  or asking if it is the weekend so he can play Wii.

Jeremiah and I continue to enjoy life with these three blessings, as we try to direct their hearts to where we believe the true source of life is—Jesus Christ. We can’t imagine our lives without our kids. We also continue to enjoy ministry with students here; somehow we meet awesome young people everywhere we go, and UC Davis is no exception.  In addition, Lori enjoys juggling her new role as home school teacher and her continuing work as a Cru staff attorney.  Jeremiah manages to squeeze in lots of studying for his seminary classes amid his many Cru responsibilities. And we are both enjoying getting to know our neighbors better and making more friends at church while finding little ways to serve there.

Well, there you have it—a little family update.  God is indeed good to us.  As is no doubt also true for many of our friends, 2015 went by both slowly and quickly at the same time—slowly enough to enjoy each unique moment and experience; fast enough to cause us to look back and wonder how we are in December again.

I have been taking note of various policies on college campuses around the country. One trend I am noting, both at private and public colleges (but often particularly at private schools), includes the emergence of policies that reflect the desire to shelter students from situations or conversations that make them uncomfortable. There is an attitude out there that if someone is offended, it was a bad thing. This attitude tends to put the pressure on the person doing the talking, not the person “feeling” offended—all the responsibility is on the speaker to not say anything controversial, as opposed to the responsibility being on the listener to assume the best, seek to understand, and give grace to their fellow flawed person who, first of all, may have very different perspectives on life and who, second, is unlikely to be able to read the mind of the listener to know if what they are saying is being received well.

I want to be clear that I am in favor of the goals of teaching and modeling tolerance and respect, and I am not trying to defend the people who viciously state things for the purpose of harming or demeaning others. I want people to learn to seek understanding, to be capable of listening to viewpoints very different from their own without demeaning them, to learn to think critically and articulate their own viewpoints sensitively and with care.  Nevertheless, on many university campuses the policies are failing to accomplish this goal; in contrast, the policies end up turning civic responsibility upside down. Instead of learning that they should listen to different viewpoints and be capable of gracefully disagreeing while still being civil, students are being taught that they have the “right” to expect not to be offended. They don’t feel the need to respectfully articulate their discomfort or disagreement, but instead just complain to an institution that they expect will then clamp down on the offensive speech and silence the individual or group it is coming from. This common perspective of students and administrators should scare us…

We need to consider that there may be an underlying backdrop of censorship here. Realistically, if we are stifling viewpoints deemed “unacceptable” by university administrators or even by the majority of students, it is censorship.  We should have learned from history by now that stifling minority viewpoints because they are unpopular or disfavored is problematic—it runs counter to the principles of Free Speech that the United States has championed for so long, and moves us closer to the totalitarian regimes that have done so much damage to their citizens throughout history and today.

The question for me becomes, “Are there times when censorship is appropriate?  Lets back up.  Most people agree that children need to be protected, and that it is the role of parents, but also of society and government (to a certain extent), to provide this protection. I therefore think parents should limit what their children take in. In addition, elementary schools should limit what children can look at online and should carefully choose the influences they expose children too. A discussion bigger than this post is how schools should work with parents to still allow parents to be involved in some of those decisions (such as choosing to opt out of certain teaching materials for their children). I will just say, for now, that it is complicated.

Nevertheless, I think it should be clear that the university level is different. We are not dealing with children anymore—these are young people learning how to live on their own; how to make their own choices; how to participate in civic society; and what is appropriate in relating to other people and the government.  So the mandate to “protect” from all influences deemed “less acceptable” by the majority should fade away, and college students should be taught to think for themselves and to engage respectfully with ideas from all ends of the ideological spectrum. True respect and dialogue is grounded in listening and trying to understand, and has no room for entitlement.

We fail young people if, instead of teaching them to respectfully engage, we teach them that they have a right not to hear perspectives outside the academic mainstream.  If they believe that those in power should be able to stifle those not in power (without connecting this to the many tragedies of history that it produced), then it will lead to society’s decline and will doom us to the repetition of oppression, discrimination, and marginalization that have occurred over and over again in history. Unfortunately, it seems that is where much of University culture is headed… I recently read an interesting statement in an article in “The Chronicle of Higher Education.”  Laurie Essig, a liberal feminist scholar, says “We can never know the world by shutting it out. You can force disagreement to move out of the open, into the little nooks and crevices left after power has cleansed all offensive speech. But you can never make the disagreement disappear.” In the article, she is pointing out that US universities are stifling controversial and/or marginalized perspectives, leaving them little space to be articulated. I find it interesting that she is feeling that as a person on the far left. Many religious people with strong religious viewpoints that some might label “intolerant” are experiencing a similar reality. Yet there is a blindness among administrators that they are creating this artificial space where only the “acceptable” and “non-offensive” majoritarian viewpoints are able to flourish.

Instead, I believe young people should be taught to live in a pluralistic society.  Let me be careful to describe what I mean by Pluralism.  I grew up thinking pluralism is bad—I thought it was basically saying there is no such thing and truth. Therefore, I concluded, Christianity required me to be anti-pluralism, since we believe that there is one truth.  But true pluralism is not the cliché of the “coexist” bumper sticker. We should instead think of it as a respect for and promotion of healthy diversity and discussion, but without having to erase our differences. It is this type of discussion that promotes understanding and compassion, and helps people to authentically engage with those different than themselves.

As my friend John Inazu persuasively describes, “A confident pluralism seeks to maximize the spaces where dialogue and persuasion can coexist alongside deep and intractable differences about beliefs, commitments, and ways of life. It suggests that we ought to resist coercive efforts aimed at getting people to “fall in line” with the majority. There are, of course, limits to this resistance. Some limits, like enforcing majority norms against human sacrifice, are obvious. Others, like criminalizing marijuana use, are more contested. But a confident pluralism presumes a broad capacity to differ meaningfully from state and majoritarian norms.” , John Inazu, A Confident Pluralism, 88 So. Ca. L.Rev. 587, 592 (2015).

I am in favor of moving towards this type of dialogue. I want to listen and try to understand people from the opposite side of the ideological spectrum as myself.  I also think I will find that, while our perspectives remain far apart, we will find that society will benefit from seeing us engage respectfully, instead of society trying to police and silence opinions that someone might take offense at.

Thinking society should protect you from offensive ideas instead of learning to take responsibility to respond and address different ideas by engaging respectfully is dangerous (although this does not mean we can’t point out the dangerous direction an individual’s logic is leading, such as with racist propaganda). In contrast, practicing listening, dialogue and critical thinking will lead to healthy and lasting friendships and community—perhaps those are principles that we should be more focused on teaching at the university level.

I am not saying this is simple. I bristle when I see offensive language, racism, violence and sexuality all over—and part of me just wants it silenced. And I definitely censor it for my children because that is my job as their parent—I am to protect them and give them wisdom so that they can make good choices later and engage appropriately with the world. BUT the feeling that I want to stop it from existing through an exercise of power and censorship is not the best answer. I do want to stop it—but I don’t want to do it through domination and authority. I want to do it by engaging lovingly and showing that there is a better way.  It is through seeking to understand, through dialogue, through compassion that we will achieve change. This is a different kind of power—it is the power that Jesus displayed in how he came to this world through his incarnation.

It has been a great start to the school year here in Davis. It is always exciting and fun to meet new students. They are embarking on a school year that holds new experiences, stress (often both academic and relational), and independence like they have never experienced before.

Jeremiah and I love coaching and training student leaders who are driving the movement and ministry on this campus. They are full of ideas and passion. They are beginning to understand what it means to not just embrace faith in Christ as a personal decision, but also to allow that faith to transform them and inform their life goals and decisions. We want them to see—as I have continued to learn over my almost 20 years since I started college—that relationships are supremely important and that we have the perfect example of Christ who prioritized relationships and invested his life and passion into people, ultimately even giving his very life.

We are excited for this weekend, which is our Fall Retreat for Cru at UC Davis/Napa Valley College. I am looking forward to connecting more with some of our newly involved students.

It has been a different Fall for me (Lori). I haven’t been engaging quite as much with students, since I have just started homeschooling Isaiah this year and am also busy with various legal issues regarding campus access from around the country—never a dull moment. I have to say I am enjoying working with Isaiah, despite the way it further limits my work time. I can see why people love homeschooling. It is so fun to engage with our children and help them think and learn in a focused way. I am even learning things that I either forgot or never learned. Some fun California history and ways of thinking about Math. I also am enjoying the conversations that come up with all the kids because of topics that Isaiah and I are learning or discussing—like our discussion about the fact that we have a 2 party political system in this country, which seemed to fascinate Bethany (it is funny what kids pick up; even though we watch very little media, she asked me “who are you going to vote for for President?”  I said I have no idea, and said I have issues with both parties, but it started an interesting discussion).

Kids love selfies

I would not give myself the title of “soccer mom” since I hardly feel like I deserve it. But I will acknowledge that soccer is in full swing-an intense season, but really quite short (Sept – first week of Nov).

Isaiah throw-in

The boys are both playing, which is fun. Judah has a great little team—I love watching the little 5 year old boys going after the ball and playing hard. I love that all the parents are super encouraging of every kid out there—we just want to see all the boys play well. That may not be the attitude reflected in the boys, however. Judah is a bit competitive…but he is also a great teammate and seems to be understanding a bit about how the game works, looking around for his teammates and passing it to them. Isaiah is learning a ton this year too. Although sports are not intuitive for him, once he learns the rules, he begins to see how it is best to move the ball around and can certainly visualize what he wants to see happen. It is fun to see him beginning to enjoy the game of Soccer.

In other news, it has been HOT here in Davis (OK, keep in mind that my reference from past years was the nice cool Fall of Flagstaff–which we miss). We are still wearing shorts and short sleeves, and have regularly had weather in the 90s. Here we are washing the car (don’t worry–we conserve water–it has been months since washing the car). Any excuse to spray little bits of water on ourselves (haha).

We said good bye to our little Foster son a few days ago. What a sweet boy. We were so blessed to know him. We have many special memories from our time with him.

We got the call one afternoon in Late February—a newborn baby boy. But I was in Florida for Cru legal team meetings, and Jeremiah was home with the kids. We decided to call back. Then more information, then they chose us. We would pick him up from the hospital the next day. But I still wasn’t back from Florida. Thankfully, my parents were there to help, and my dad even got to go to the hospital with Jeremiah. Then I was further delayed when my flight back was cancelled due to a freak ice storm at my stopover location… But I managed to get a flight back late that night, getting into San Francisco around 11:00, then taking Bart, then driving home…

That was how it started.  There were the sweet cuddles with the tiny newborn—the precious face. Eating, sleeping, doctor visits.  I had forgotten the weariness that accompanies nights with a newborn, awake every couple hours. “I am getting too old for this” I told myself many times. But I watched him gain weight, I watched his tense little body relax in my arms when his needs were being met. I carried him everywhere in the sling—the place he felt most secure.

I have to admit that I questioned if it was worth it… I thought: ‘I am doing all the night duty (with Jeremiah’s awesome help of course), but I have no guarantee that I will get to enjoy the joy of the next stages—laughing, rolling over, sitting up, sleeping better, crawling, jabbering.’  The unknown future; the uncertainty of how long any foster placement will be—It can feel exhausting when you want to know what the future will hold. “There is a relative” they said…

But then I did get to see him change; I saw the first smile, then the laughs, then grabbing at things and pushing up on his arms. I watched every developmental step of those first few months. I smiled at him and laughed with him. The kids entertained him, and we all gave him kisses upon kisses on his sweet little cheeks. He knew us; he felt safe and loved.

I also got to build a relationship with his parents as I saw them every week for visits.  I grew to care deeply about them and they grew to trust me. Our conversations became more casual. I took pictures of their family together and gave them updates of all baby’s adventures at our home. I want them to be healthy; I want them to succeed.  I will miss them too. We hope to maintain some connection.

I also enjoyed connecting with strangers who stopped to talk with me because I had a clearly black child with me. I love how he broke down cultural barriers. I love how he enabled me to engage with and learn from black culture. I love the advice I got from strangers for everything from hair care to teething.

It was a special 5 months. The last week we got to take him on our family vacation with us. We went to the beach, we hiked on the bluffs, we went to museums—all with him, our little guy.  Sweet baby boy.  So many kisses for those precious cheeks… Then came the morning when I took him to his relative—his new home. It was fun to meet more of the family—they will love him well.

Good bye beautiful boy. I pray that you will always feel loved and cared for. You will always be in our prayers.

It was worth it.

Have you ever stood during a worship time at church and felt blank? And yet, you know there are deep waters right below the surface. Then there comes a moment when you allow your mind to focus on a particular line in a worship song and suddenly you allow the truth of how deeply Christ intersects our lives—how much he understands our sorrows, how much he has forgiven us, how good he is, how intimately he knows me—to crack the surface of that blankness. Then a tear trickles out. Then the choice comes—do I allow myself to enter in to this emotion, or keep holding it back…?

Well, you may never have experienced that, but I have. It can be similar reading the Word as well. Sometimes I read it and I feel like a duck—it washes right off my back, interesting, but not going to affect me, not going to sink in. But if I stop trying to do the task of reading, and allow my mind to engage, it is so much more than a book, and it truly does pierce, discern and expose as is described in Hebrews 4:12-13. And this is a good thing, because being built up always follows being exposed.  Encouragement and care mean so much more when they come from someone who knows the real me (who better than Jesus?)—not the put-together façade I manage to maintain most of the time (although, I will admit having children around me that are not 100% in my control does hinder my efforts to look put together at times—haha).

I don’t want to have to be cracked. I don’t want to experience blankness. I want to live more fully in the light (I John 1:7 “But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.”). So how do I decompress on the inside in such a way that will soften my outside as well? How do I live authentically for Christ, not focused on my way, my reputation, my desires?

Ney Bailey shared at the Cru15 conference (one of tons of great thoughts) that we should “Bring God into the negative by thanking him for hard things. It allows him to be at work.” When we are frustrated by life’s circumstances, we should use discernment to pray instead of being critical. As I have thought about this, I think it is interesting that often when we are critical of circumstances, in our hearts we are blaming God for not doing what we want. That turns out to be pretty “me-centered,” failing to recognize that God has a lot more information and a lot more wisdom than we do. He is both more for us and less for us than we are. He is more for us in that he knows what we need much more than we do, and he will chose what is better, even if we would not have chosen it. Yet he is less for us in that he is ultimately for His glory and not ours. The place these two perspectives mesh, however, is in the reality that if we are for His glory and not ours, we will be happier too, so it is really “for us” to make that choice to be less focused on ourselves.

I am seeking to put this wisdom into practice in little ways. When I am frustrated by my circumstances, I am seeking to thank God for each thing that is frustrating me.

• I can thank him that none of our foster kids has turned out to be adoptable because through fostering he has grown my heart for birth families, he has taught me about different cultures, he has given me opportunities to step outside of my comfort zone, and he has shown me that I can care for kids on the deepest level who are not truly “mine.”
• I can thank him for my oldest son’s difficulty learning empathy because through it God is teaching me patience and exposing my own struggle to sacrifice my wants for the sake of others too.
• I can thank him for legal challenges to our Cru Chapters getting registered around the country because it allows us to learn dependence on God instead of strategy, and leads many students to think about what it means to follow Christ and whether it is worth it to live our lives with a firm foundation on the rock of God’s Word.

This practice causes me to worship more deeply, taking my eyes even more off of myself, and allowing me to trust and hope in Him. And that makes me happier, takes away fears, and peels off the “blankness.” Thank you God!

Have you ever noticed that there are certain types of questions people ask when you meet them? I have noticed this more starkly this summer. Probably because I have met a lot of new acquaintances and re-met old acquaintances many years later as I take classes with them, etc. But I think I have also noticed it because questions that should be easy to answer are not so easy for me to answer…

The hardest question for me is “How many kids do you have?” That sounds strange, right? The answer is a number…. But here is my situation: I have 3 birth kids who are with me here in Colorado. I have a foster son in Davis who is staying with another foster family so he can visit with his family each week while we are away. We will be getting him back when we go back home, but probably not for very long… I miss him a ton and feel bad that I am missing this time with him—we had him since he was a couple days old, and I want to keep nurturing and caring for him—but he probably isn’t too aware of us being gone (even though I do know he was bonded and felt secure with me).

So, how do I answer the question? I don’t know. I only have 3 permanent children, but I do still see the baby as part of our family, and my hopes and dreams are still that we will get to adopt a foster child at some point, Lord willing. Yet we don’t have any evidence of that part of our lives here, the part where precious children keep coming in and out of our family, as my children, yet not my children—noone can see that part of my heart or my life because I just have three white kids that look like me trapesing about with me. All I am learning and processing about ethnic diversity and what it might mean to be a multicultural family long term (if the Lord grants it someday), and how inadequate I would be at it, etc.—that is all hidden from view and not fully processed.

And I don’t want to seem like I am tooting my own horn by mentioning we have a foster kid back home.  Of course there isn’t pride involved for me; just a desire for people to know my reality, to know a little bit of me. But I am afraid that they won’t understand or that they will take it the wrong way. I am thankful that the Lord knows my heart and that I can process it all with him, but I nevertheless feel a little emptiness…

Another complicated question for me is “Where do your kids go to school?” Simple right? We have been at our neighborhood public school, and that is where Bethany is going to continue to go, and Judah is starting out in Kindergarten—very exciting! I have decided to home school Isaiah though, through the district’s independent study program. I think it will be fun and a new adventure for us, though I am a bit nervous about my time management and fitting all my responsibilities in… The complication in answering comes because people inevitably ask why I am homeschooling just him?  I don’t totally know what to say, because it has been a long process in coming to the decision—all positive, but many-faceted. I mean, if it is someone who knows our family well, then they know Isaiah and can understand why we think it will be best for him right now. He is such a beautiful kid inside and out, but he has his quirks—he thinks a bit differently than most kids his age.  He actually was doing pretty well in the school setting, but also felt a little stuck by the structure and limitations inherent in the education of the masses. I want to give him more time to think about faith and philosophy, to develop his both his academic mind and his creative side, and to develop in his character in certain ways (letting God’s Word transform our hearts). I also think he may get along really well with some of the other boys in the independent study program in the smaller setting of the enrichment classes they offer, and think he will enjoy soccer more when it doesn’t mean he has to go from school to practice and lose all his free time (the cause of much emotion last year).

It is not a cliché to say that all kids are different. Anyone who parents more than one child can attest—it is so funny how much Bethany thrives in a classroom setting. She is aware of everyone around her, loves to help other kids learn as she learns herself, and loves participating in group activities.  She makes friends with everyone, and feels the weight of their emotions and struggles very deeply in her own heart too. She likes to read and does it well, but is nowhere near as obsessed with it as Isaiah. Yet they are both so creative and love creating imaginary worlds together.  As for Judah, he is very social and imaginative too—it will be interesting to see how he likes the “every day” school experience of Kindergarten.  Bottom line—I am getting old! My little guy is entering Kindergarten. Time flies.

Finally, a less-than-simple question for me is “What is your job?” I think this is mostly awkward because the majority of people in Cru can answer with a short mention of the ministry they serve with—I just feel long-winded when I try to describe my role without it seeming like I am doing more than I really am. I mean, I could just say I serve part time with the Legal team. But that isn’t complete because my nametags always say I am part of the Campus Field Ministry, serving on a college campus (in our case, UC Davis and surrounding schools). And that is true—I am part of an awesome team working on campus. But then again, I don’t do a ton there—just discipling some students and supporting the team however I can; more of my “work time” is spent on legal issues.

So I end up mentioning my full time mom job and my two part time roles within Cru, and say that I am very blessed to have the opportunity to serve in diverse and varied ways. Most likely I am just overthinking my responses—no one is counting how many seconds it takes to respond.  Ultimately, I really want to get to talking about the person asking the question (you are probably thinking—hm, this smacks of insecurity and people pleasing how she is writing—and you are probably right).  Nevertheless, I am authentic in my interest. I learn so much every time I talk to other people in ministry—their experiences and insights are so fun to draw out and often encourage and bless me as I continue serving in ministry myself.

And then there are other questions, like “What is your favorite ice cream?” Seriously, who can answer that? Too many choices. Just kidding. Or “where do you think religious liberty is headed in this country?” OK, not a simple question…I don’t think I will try to answer that one here… Or “How do you explain the Trinity?” Haha, not simple—though it has been fun to study it in one of my theology classes.

Anyway, you get the point. Life is complicated. But God is good.

Jeremiah and I both love learning. I am thankful that our kids seem to be catching this as well. I hope I never stop wanting to learn, and that I continue to experience learning in many different venues–in the classroom, by trying new experiences, by watching and loving children, through struggles and challenging circumstances, by being a student of other cultures, by listening to people different from myself and, most importantly in my view, by continuing to read God’s Word and seeking to know Him more.

This summer we have the great privilege to focus on deepening our knowledge of God in a classroom setting. Cru has some excellent theology classes so that its staff continue to grow and learn theologically and in ministry. These classes help us keep Christ at the center of our motivations and strategies as we continue to serve, reach out to, and minister to college students (for those of us in the Campus Ministry) around the country and the world.  It helps us to deepen our trust in and dependence on God in our personal life and minstry life, and reminds us that what matters most is His glory, not our own.

I have found that I am learning a lot about things that I thought I knew already, but had not grasped the depth and beauty of them as fully.  For example, taking a closer look at God’s attributes has both encouraged and amazed me. Similarly, studying the theology of salvation has blessed me. Christ accomplished so much through his life, death and resurrection, and yet it is so personal in how it applies to us individually in a real way–both at the point of receiving Christ as Lord, and for our whole lives after that. We are not just forgiven, but are seen as having Christ’s perfect record; we are not just given a gift, but are adopted and loved as God’s children (an amazing forever family); because we know we are loved as His children, we can experience discipline and sanctification as a safe, joyful experience for our good. Those are just some of the thoughts that have blessed and challenged me.

In addition to theology, my Apologetics class has been great. Apologetics is not just about “defending the faith,” but is really about learning how to listen and care about people, noticing and humbly addressing people’s barriers to understanding who God is and why belief in Him and in God’s Word is relevant and meaningful to our lives.

I also enjoy that Jeremiah and I have so many great conversations about what we are each learning in our different classes. We end up encouraging and challenging each other, and also enjoy talking about life and how our beliefs about God intersect it.  We would also love to hear about what you are learning from God and through life. Don’t hesitate to email us and let us know how you are doing!