The brokenness of human life requires rest. I am deeply aware of my brokenness, and I love to come alongside others and give them grace in their brokenness, but I am not very good at embracing my own brokenness. I’m also not very good at rest. Maybe some of you can relate—I tend to treat rest as if it is earned, instead of seeing it as a gift that enables a healthy pattern of life. I know it is not healthy to think of rest as earned, and I don’t think it is Biblical either. Recently, as I was reading Tish Harrison Warren’s book Liturgy of the Ordinary, about seeing our ordinary lives as opportunities to worship and acknowledge God, I began to see that, while I don’t have grand ambition career wise and I don’t have an illusion that I am particularly important, I still don’t embrace my ordinariness very well.

I have matured over the years as I have become more and more acquainted with my weaknesses, and have learned to walk constantly in light of God’s grace in my life. He is the one who makes things grow and produces fruit! Yet I haven’t managed to rip out the weed of “disappointment in myself” in order to let the precious plant of “my sufficiency is in Christ” to fully flourish. I function by the metric that if I don’t feel like I have been efficient or effective enough with my time, then I haven’t really earned my spot in the world, so to speak. In other words, I let thoughts swirl in my head like: do I really deserve my salary? Do I really merit the respect of others based on what I have accomplished? And that somehow translates into thoughts like, “have I accomplished enough to earn the right to rest?” I seem to think the answer is no, because I keep turning to the next task…

If I drill down on my wrong mentality, I see that it produces hamster-wheel-type behaviors, because I don’t even have a way of measuring “enough.” So in reality, I will never have done enough; it is a constantly moving and elusive line. It includes my work product (in a job that is very intellectual and nuanced, with research that I never feel fully confident is quite “done,” so I just stop when I run out of time and hope I didn’t miss anything big). “Enough” in my head also includes a certain level of brain functioning and an ongoing pursuit of and accumulation of knowledge, so if I am working, but I don’t feel like I am focusing well enough on a particular day, then I almost feel like that time didn’t count as truly working, so I better make up for it with more time. “Enough” also includes a tidy-ish house, good food for my family, laundry folded, time spent with and teaching of my children, and taking active steps to communicate to family, friends or church members that they are thought of and cared for in some way (I definitely feel like I always fail on the “enough” on that front). So yea, I guess when my husband tells me that I should stop comparing myself to my “phantom ____” (fill in the blank with whatever role, like mom, friend, pastor’s wife, constitutional lawyer, ministry leader, healthy and fit woman, etc), that means I need to let go of my “Enough.”

But how do I let go of my “Enough”? I need to release my constant fear of “messing up” or “not measuring up.” I know that the Lord is actively seeking to do this work in my life. The Holy Spirit both convicts me of my wrong way of thinking and at the same time comforts me with the knowledge that Jesus is in fact enough, so I don’t have to be. In addition, knowing I am weak, he graciously provides—in his incredible and personalized way—people who speak into my need for affirmation. For example, when I was struggling with self-doubt and a decided lack of “enough-ness” at my organization’s National Conference recently, a Board member stopped me in the hall and told me he thought I was doing a really good job. I thanked the Board member for his kindness. Then, I also took a moment to step into a side room to pray. I thanked God for seeing me and for providing for me in my weakness. I took a deep breath, asked him to help me fix my eyes on him, and stepped back into the hallway with a bit more peace.

I still struggle—I need to dig up the weeds of doubt and self-righteousness that threaten to choke me. I need to learn to rest as a way of embracing God’s grace and His sufficiency instead of waiting until I have earned it.

Psalm 65:5-8

“My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

And my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

When I remember you upon my bed,

And meditate on you in the watches of the night;

For you have been my help,

And in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

Your right hand upholds me.”

In this Psalm, David speaks of satisfaction that is not based on his adequacy or on what others think of him, but is satisfaction in God himself—in remembering, thinking of, thanking, and clinging to Him alone!

I want to be satisfied in God alone, for He is good!

I can’t believe that it’s been months since I’ve updated you all on what’s been happening. 

In October, I took the role of lead (and solo) pastor of Pole Line Baptist Church in Davis, CA. It’s a place I’ve been praying about for years, and God and the congregation saw fit to hire me on as their shepherd and leader, under the Chief Shepherd and Head, Jesus Christ.

It’s a church that’s been around since the 1950’s in Davis, has an amazing heart for serving the needy in Davis through a wonderful food closet ministry as well as thanksgiving dinner giveaway, hosting a community yard sale for people who don’t have places they can host their own yard sale, and hosting various other community service organizations every week on the property.  It’s a church that has faithfully reached out the community of Davis, Dixon and Woodland for decades.

When I took the role of Pastor here, it was a step of faith in many ways. Our family stepped out of the wonderful church plant we were part of, a step away from being employed by Cru and a step into ministering within the kingdom of God in a much wider capacity. What I mean is that for 20+ years, I’ve focused most of my efforts in the gospel at reaching 18-24 year olds who are in college. Now I minister cradle to grave and into every segment of society, from the houseless to those with many earthly riches.

This step of faith has been one of many prayerful days, afternoons and nights. It’s been full of weekly preaching of the Word of God, leading board meetings and deacon meetings and serving at our food closet. We’ve started kids church to give parents the opportunity to fully focus during the Sunday service, a mid-week Wisdom Walkers group bible study for those 50+ years old, a youth group on Sunday afternoons and a mid-week study called Summer Refresh.  We’ve seen several baptisms (which I’ll talk about in a bit) as well as 2 funerals and one new pregnancy. It’s been a season of setting the foundation for what we pray God is going to do in years to come.  This step of faith has also included continuing to serve with Athletes in Action, particularly with the UC Davis men’s baseball team and the men’s soccer team.

I started work with the UC Davis men’s soccer team on October 12, as they were midway through their season. They were on a bit of a slide, losing or drawing the last several games, sitting at the bottom of the standings.  I reached out to the one player on the team that I knew, and set up a chapel service before one of their games.  I met Keegan Saturday morning at the the soccer offices and waited. Slowly, players began to trickle in, 6 in total. We talked about an idea center to my mentality towards athletes, Win the bigger game.  Your sport is important, but it isn’t everything. You need to live before God in a way in which you want the bigger game, your relationship with Him, and honoring Him in all you do. That evening, they won their game.

I got to do another chapel before the game the next week, and 5 new guys showed up, besides most of the original 6. Again I talked about how God allows you to play free, because in Him, you’ve already Won the true game that matters, your standing with God. I got to go to the next game, and they won again!  It was amazing because after the game, I waved to them, and they waved back. They were so thankful that I came to watch them play, and invited me over to chat with them behind the bench.  I also started grabbing meals or coffee with some of the guys from the team.  One of them, Colton, received Christ on Oct 25, and I began discipling Him, as well as meeting other guys on the team. Another guy, Talin, received Christ on Oct 29. This guy had almost no spiritual background at all.

I kept doing chapels with them and having lunch or coffee with guys to hear their story, give council, share the gospel and mentor them to follow Jesus…and they kept winning. I would go to games and it was so amazing to have them excited to see me, thankful that I’m out supporting them, and giving me high fives and hugs after their victories. I met several of their families and their parents are so thankful that someone is reaching out to them. 

They kept climbing in the standings and made it to the Big West tournament.  Colton was going to get baptized on November 10 (alongside Shylee and a guy from the baseball team), but they kept winning, and so had to postpone it!  In fact, the team ended up winning the Big West tournament, advancing to countrywide NCAA tournament, losing a heartbreaker to San Diego.

I had been meeting with guys individually or in small groups, but now there were so many of them interested that I simply didn’t have time to do groups of 3. So in January, I began a weekly Bible study. Our first was Jan 21st. I picked up some burritos and headed to a house where 6 of the guys live, not knowing what to expect. When 8 guys showed up, I was thrilled.

That night, I decided to have the guys share their spiritual story a bit, and man, they opened up. 1 guy had a pretty extensive church background, but others had been marginally involved in Christianity, but most of them had almost zero connection with Christianity at all.  They shared openly their backgrounds, and an air of authenticity and honestly was apparent.  

When we opened the Bible to look at our scripture that night, almost nobody knew how to find the verses. I love when that happens, and the guys who have a bit more background lean over the help them flip to the right book, learn what in the world Colossians 3:17 means.

So there it began, and grew and grew and grew. I would get their phone numbers and have lunch with them the next week (thanks so much for those who have continued to give financially to help pay for their lunches and weekly dinner. I spend about $1000 a month on food for these guys and it’s TOTALLY worth it. We are also well supplied by those who have continued to give. THANK YOU.)

Anyway, when I meet with them I hear their story. I ask a few key questions. I share my story and I almost always share the gospel.  On Feb 4, Cole prayed to receive Christ, and was one of the most overjoyed people I’ve ever seen, having finally understood. It was for sure lightbulbs going off in his mind and heart as I shared. He as so thankful. Then on Feb 9, Colton got baptized at Pole Line, and along with his family, 5 guys from the soccer team came to Pole Line to see it. On February 13, another guy prayed to relieve Christ in a similar manner. He is actually the roommate of Talin, who had received Christ back in October.  Those 10 days were one of the most fun seasons of ministry I’ve ever had in 20+ years of ministry.

I started meeting with three freshman guys on the team who had all prayed to receive Christ weekly to go over the foundations of faith (assurance of salvation, confession of sin, the filling of the holy spirit, bible and prayer). We kept up Bible study on Tuesdays and oh yeah, I kept preaching every week at Pole Line Baptist, pastoring that congregation, integrating new members and many other wonderful responsibilities. 🙂

On May 4, Cole got baptized and a bunch of guys came to the church to celebrate with their brother on the team and their brother in Christ.

Spring quarter continued to be a fruitful time of our weekly bible study, and I added going to more soccer games, as they had their spring soccer friendlies (not official games, their season is in the Fall). We even had a game against Stanford in which about 10 people from Pole Line Baptist Church came, since some of the players have been dropping in every once in a while. We ended our Spring Quarter with a BBQ at our house.

Most recently, on June 25, Gavin received Christ, having grown up in the Catholic tradition very loosely, having a bit of church experience with a friend, and having attended our bible studies since about February. I’ll be meeting with him for the next few weeks for discipleship before their training starts back up mid-July.

So God has been doing amazing things. I will have ot see what reaching out to them ‘in season’ looks like, because their schedule gets pretty crazy. I know I’ll be going to games, dropping by practices and having chapels, but not sure if the weekly bible study will be too much for them.