The brokenness of human life requires rest. I am deeply aware of my brokenness, and I love to come alongside others and give them grace in their brokenness, but I am not very good at embracing my own brokenness. I’m also not very good at rest. Maybe some of you can relate—I tend to treat rest as if it is earned, instead of seeing it as a gift that enables a healthy pattern of life. I know it is not healthy to think of rest as earned, and I don’t think it is Biblical either. Recently, as I was reading Tish Harrison Warren’s book Liturgy of the Ordinary, about seeing our ordinary lives as opportunities to worship and acknowledge God, I began to see that, while I don’t have grand ambition career wise and I don’t have an illusion that I am particularly important, I still don’t embrace my ordinariness very well.

I have matured over the years as I have become more and more acquainted with my weaknesses, and have learned to walk constantly in light of God’s grace in my life. He is the one who makes things grow and produces fruit! Yet I haven’t managed to rip out the weed of “disappointment in myself” in order to let the precious plant of “my sufficiency is in Christ” to fully flourish. I function by the metric that if I don’t feel like I have been efficient or effective enough with my time, then I haven’t really earned my spot in the world, so to speak. In other words, I let thoughts swirl in my head like: do I really deserve my salary? Do I really merit the respect of others based on what I have accomplished? And that somehow translates into thoughts like, “have I accomplished enough to earn the right to rest?” I seem to think the answer is no, because I keep turning to the next task…

If I drill down on my wrong mentality, I see that it produces hamster-wheel-type behaviors, because I don’t even have a way of measuring “enough.” So in reality, I will never have done enough; it is a constantly moving and elusive line. It includes my work product (in a job that is very intellectual and nuanced, with research that I never feel fully confident is quite “done,” so I just stop when I run out of time and hope I didn’t miss anything big). “Enough” in my head also includes a certain level of brain functioning and an ongoing pursuit of and accumulation of knowledge, so if I am working, but I don’t feel like I am focusing well enough on a particular day, then I almost feel like that time didn’t count as truly working, so I better make up for it with more time. “Enough” also includes a tidy-ish house, good food for my family, laundry folded, time spent with and teaching of my children, and taking active steps to communicate to family, friends or church members that they are thought of and cared for in some way (I definitely feel like I always fail on the “enough” on that front). So yea, I guess when my husband tells me that I should stop comparing myself to my “phantom ____” (fill in the blank with whatever role, like mom, friend, pastor’s wife, constitutional lawyer, ministry leader, healthy and fit woman, etc), that means I need to let go of my “Enough.”

But how do I let go of my “Enough”? I need to release my constant fear of “messing up” or “not measuring up.” I know that the Lord is actively seeking to do this work in my life. The Holy Spirit both convicts me of my wrong way of thinking and at the same time comforts me with the knowledge that Jesus is in fact enough, so I don’t have to be. In addition, knowing I am weak, he graciously provides—in his incredible and personalized way—people who speak into my need for affirmation. For example, when I was struggling with self-doubt and a decided lack of “enough-ness” at my organization’s National Conference recently, a Board member stopped me in the hall and told me he thought I was doing a really good job. I thanked the Board member for his kindness. Then, I also took a moment to step into a side room to pray. I thanked God for seeing me and for providing for me in my weakness. I took a deep breath, asked him to help me fix my eyes on him, and stepped back into the hallway with a bit more peace.

I still struggle—I need to dig up the weeds of doubt and self-righteousness that threaten to choke me. I need to learn to rest as a way of embracing God’s grace and His sufficiency instead of waiting until I have earned it.

Psalm 65:5-8

“My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,

And my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,

When I remember you upon my bed,

And meditate on you in the watches of the night;

For you have been my help,

And in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.

My soul clings to you;

Your right hand upholds me.”

In this Psalm, David speaks of satisfaction that is not based on his adequacy or on what others think of him, but is satisfaction in God himself—in remembering, thinking of, thanking, and clinging to Him alone!

I want to be satisfied in God alone, for He is good!