This summer, Jeremiah and I both had the assignment with our ministry of sabbatical. Although we are now deep into the busyness of Fall, we are so thankful that we were given that time to step away from our normal rhythms of ministry (and also legal responsibilities for me) for a couple of months in order to focus on personal reflection, development and rest.

This was our first ministry sabbatical, after 20 years of ministry, so it was needed. The Lord used the time to teach me some things about myself and about his care for us. I thought my growth would come from extra reading and devotional time, and I did find it refreshing, but some of the deepest growth came as I confronted my tendencies toward the idolatry of productivity.

I have a tendency to define myself with a rubric that includes the following: 1) my own sense of productivity and accomplishment and 2) the subjective feeling that others are pleased with my work. So when I paused my normal work, I was tempted to replace it immediately with “fixing up the yard” and “reading lots of books on my list” in order to feel good about myself.  But I realized that wasn’t going to lead to true rest because it was just staying in the same mode. I began to reflect and realized I need to be consistently aware of where I am rooting my primary sense of self. I asked myself: “what would some of the symptoms be if I allow my tendency to root my value in productivity and accomplishment dominate?” Here were some possible symptoms I came up with:

• Unintentionally putting pressure on my children to also perform to gain value.
• Losing the joy of investing in people out of love, and not for what they can then produce (and therefore becoming less effective at pointing people to the true freedom we have in Christ because I wouldn’t be living out that freedom well).
• Feeling unable to truly rest in God’s unconditional love and allowing the lie that ‘I must be disappointing him’ to creep in instead.

I don’t want those symptoms. I have to admit that putting pressure on kids to perform academically has become a greater temptation as we sit like frogs in the academic heating pot of Davis culture, and as we approach many years ahead (starting with this year) where our children will be submitting college applications. Yet I actually deeply want my kids to be free from that pressure. I want (and expect) them to work hard, but I want them to do so not in order to have value, but because they know they already have value, rooted securely in love, and believe that hard work has its own blessings. I want them to desire to love and bless others, not so that they win respect, but in order to reflect God’s beauty and goodness in the world. I want them to see—hopefully modeled through the way I live—that there is a deep and true freedom that enables us to love and invest in people—not so that we get respect or praise—but because we love them as God loves us (I Jn 4:7).

I also want those that I serve through ministry to experience this same heart. Jesus truly did come to bring peace into our lives. He said in John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you.” Yet we know that this promise did not mean the absence of interpersonal challenges, because he faced them; it did not mean the absence of physical or financial challenges, because he suffered them; it did not mean the avoidance of global conflict, because it was certainly around him at that time. Instead, the peace has to be more deeply rooted.

These truths help me remember that I am first a disciple and follower of Christ myself, and that my desire to encourage others to also follow Him must flow out of my confidence that there is no better place to be rooted than in Him.

I am thankful that my sabbatical did not just turn into another “task.” I needed to be free from the pressure to do or learn something profound to feel like my sabbatical was worth it. Realizing that allowed me to learn. I want to take the long-term view (just as I always tell my students to do). I will have a greater impact if I am healthy and if I am walking in the freedom that comes from deep dependence on God’s grace. Tim Keller, in his book The Prodigal Prophet, said:

“To reach heart bedrock with God’s grace is to recognize all the ways that we make good things into idols and ways of saving ourselves. It is to instead finally recognize that we live wholly by God’s grace. When we’ve reached bedrock with God’s grace, it begins to drain us, slowly but surely, of both self-righteousness and fear.”

My first week back to my normal work responsibilities, my boss commented in a video call that I seemed very relaxed. I did not expect the comment, but I hope that what he saw is evidence that I am living each day, and accomplishing each task, with awareness of the light of God’s grace at work in my life.