Frustration is real…

I sometimes feel like I am silly to be frustrated by the little details of my current experience with the Covid-19 crisis. After all, it is factually clear that what we are doing is critical.  We get to participate in protecting our communities and to be part of the global community that is facing this unprecedented health crisis (at least unprecedented in our time…).  My family is hardly bearing the weight that so many servants in our communities are living under, such as our amazing health professionals, grocery store workers, and emergency responders (Thank you!).

Nevertheless, the ups and downs are real. We are all experiencing ambiguous loss, in addition to many different real losses that vary from person to person.  The ambiguous loss creates an internal weariness—it is not knowing what is coming or what the long-term implications of our current experiences will be. It arises out of both fear for ourselves and empathy for others—concern for friends, family, neighbors, local businesses and charities… It is magnified by not knowing what to believe or how many articles to keep reading…

Is anyone else finding that they go in and out of frustration, sometimes within one day? Here are some of the silly things that I allow to scratch my frustration threshold. Maybe you can identify…

  • Getting angry at a child for not eating the apple sauce I gave them for morning snack.
  • Feeling like crying when my child won’t try to do any math problem by herself, but instead insists that I “help” her with every single one…
  • Spending half an hour confused about why my son’s computer won’t connect to the internet, only to realize that a manual tab on the side of the computer was switched to not allow any connections…
  • Getting tired of repeating “I really just need you to get into the habit of making your bed in the morning. For my sanity, OK?”
  • Wanting to roll my eyes at the child who throws a fit when I say we are going for a walk together, when he hasn’t even been out of the house all day…
  • Feeling exasperated that only 3 out of the 5 kids want to do my planned craft for the day (lets be real – that’s a majority and should be cause for celebration).
  • Feeling unproductive: I am so used to being meticulously scheduled (juggling 7 people’s activities and to do lists), that I am having much more trouble focusing without that…

So what is the solution to these frustrations? For me it is the simple practice of thankfulness. I know this is not headline news…not brain surgery…pretty obvious, really.  For example, for years I have had friends praise the practice of thankfulness they were inspired to live out after reading Ann Voskamp’s book One Thousand Gifts. I myself have had seasons of practicing the discipline. Yet I still need to be reminded.  Psalm 69:30+ talks about praising God in the midst of hard things, saying “I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify him with thanksgiving…For the Lord hears the needy…” When I turn my heart to thanksgiving, peace does come, despite uncertain circumstances. Philippians 4:6-7 is not making it up or presenting a pipe dream when it speaks of presenting our requests to God “with thanksgiving…,” indicating that the peace of God follows, not because our circumstances are miraculously changed or fixed, but because we are changed from the inside (by relationship with Him and by hope in Him).

When I stop and think about it, I have so much to be thankful for! I have a wonderful husband and precious children who all love one another and play well together (despite the daily bantering and bickering).  In the last few weeks, I have been enjoying time with the kids, and have been taking advantage of the extensive opportunities for family time. We have made time for activities that used to fall by the wayside among the bustle of the average Spring week in years past: more devotionals, novels read out-loud, board games, crafts, daily walks, etc.  I am thankful that we have enough food on the table and money to pay rent.  I am thankful that I in fact have enough to share with those who don’t have quite enough.  I am thankful for flexible jobs for my husband and I, and that my husband is even able to take time to go and help care for a family member recovering from medical challenges. I am thankful for ways to connect with family and friends who are also sheltering in place far away from us. I am thankful that I get to continue to mentor some awesome young college women (now just online) who I know encourage me as much as I do them.

Granted, it is easy to start comparing and wondering if I am doing enough school-wise for each child (yep, speaking to the choir here parents, right?). Surprisingly (ok, not really), I am not used to navigating individualized work for 5 different ages and state standards (even though I do have some experience with home school), in addition to still making time for my work for Cru. I like to measure up, and I can start looking at what other moms are doing, and feel inadequate…

Yet thankfulness takes the power right out of comparison, and it weans me from it. It allows me to be me—the mom, wife, friend, and employee that my unique personality and gifts make me—and to give myself grace. God has given me grace in abundance, and he wants me to flourish as I walk in it.

Today, I will choose thankfulness!

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